fogiveness

looking at forgiveness. Everyone says, forgive and forget. i say i have forgiven the man for everything, and believe he is totally blameless in this. But what about the person who i feel has contributed to this problem more than anyone else? Would I be expected to forgive her? or would it be acceptable to say there is a good chance that, in a few years time, i still won't have stopped hating her? Hatred is a poisonous emotion, yet it is so hard to let go of. What hurts the most and fuels that anger and hatred,is that i knew the full extent of her destructive powers, and so did everyone else.I would never wish bad things, but I do not wish her well. I have done a great deal of things that I am by no means proud of, but never have i caused anyone the pain and anger she has.
I still love the man, heart body and soul, and to see him slip through my fingers doesn't make me hate him. i hate what he has done, but I shouldn't even hate that. no amount of wishing is ever going to bring him back, and no amount of hope is going to make any difference. I would still do anything for him. Everyone I have spoken to seems to think i should not be forgiving him, and i should blame him for everything, and shouldn't be so hung up on him still.
Wouldn't you still be hung up on someone whom you love so deeply?
When you break up, your whole identity is shattered. You are no longer alive. It’s hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does. People say moving on is simple, it’s what you leave behind that makes it so difficult. Maybe that is true but right now it is the moving on that's hard.

goodbyes

After promising to put up a picture of the man, I'm afraid I can't do that. You see he left me. The past 10 days has been the worst I have ever experienced, I lose my man, my stepson, my job and my home. All of this has really made me think. When he left me, my world fell apart and I feel like my heart has been ripped out and stamped on. When you love someone so much you don't even want your life to continue without them, is that something to be envious of? My now ex mother in law seems to believe so. The pain of loving someone so much you would sell your soul to spend your life with them.
I really don't know how to look at goodbyes
I've had to say goodbye more times than I've liked, but everyone can say that. And no matter how many times we do it, even when it's for the greater good, it still stings. And though we'll never forget what we've given up, we owe it to ourselves to keep moving forward. What we can't do is live our lives always afraid of the next goodbye, because chances are they're not going to stop. The trick is to recognise when a goodbye can be a good thing; when it's a chance to start again.
I realise I have to move on with my life, even though I'm terrified of letting myself love someone ever again. When the chance comes to be cared about again, I can't run away or I'll never really let myself heal.
Even though a part of me thinks that everything happens for a reason, and I know we still love each other, One has to wonder also, if the reason for this happening is to show me a better life.
Most people would blame their ex for the loss of the job and the home. I have every right to, him leaving me, made me ill, When i was off work sick I got told not to go back, I lived in with my job so lost my home too. But the strangest thing is, I don't blame him, I forgive him. You are 100%, completely forgiven, always. 
I may  be angry and hurt, and feel betrayed, used and lonely. So much of me wants to smack him in the face for being a complete moron and leaving me. There are times the anger wants to take me over and I want to scream at him, and tell him what a complete tosser he is.
There have been so many times people have confused me for his wife and called me his wife. And more times still when they confused me for his son's mother. I felt proud when that happens, and so much of me feels and thinks i deserve someone who would reciprocate that feeling about me being confused for their wife or the mother of their child. I don't know how he ever felt about those confusions. I'm not saying I wanted to marry him, but the fact that someone confused us for being more and seeing us as solid and settled meant so much to me. I didn't not want to marry him because i didn't love him, but i thought why spend thousands on a day to give us a piece of paper to legalise something we already knew?
Piecing things back together day by day is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I was told last night that 4 months is too long to not move on, admittedly its only been 10-12 days but i wonder now, how long is acceptable to be hurting and getting over him.
All this is supposed to be part of some greater plan, i wish i knew what that plan was. 

300 views

When I get to 300 page views I shall upload a picture of the man I am blogging about. :) so view, view, view people!!! :D

Hello All

Hello once again. I have much news to catch toy up on, I now have myself a lovely man, who is lovely, lovely, lovely. Just very lovely. It was through the wonders of the internet I met him actually, and we are very happy. So I am all smiley, although he is a poorly soldier at the moment so I am gladly playing nurse maid to him. It is summer here although you wouldn't think it, the weather is awful :(
I would spend the entire post talking about how wonderful the man is, but i guess you wouldn't be that interested in reading it. so I'll sum it up...........he is wonderful in everyway.

6 days of 6 sentences 3 - writer's block gone.

After having writer's block I can now catch up my days.

I thought it was a squirrel. It wasn't, it was a cat toy. My heart jumped into my throat as i pictured the idea of the cat catching a squirrel at last. It would be bad, but an achievment for the cat. Better than the mouse, the dead ones she leaves outside and the live ones she brings into house. Thankfully I can jump.

blog design

I'm also wondering how i can make my blog look as wonderful as Laura Cox's blog, for hers is AMAZING!!!! seriously lovely.

6 days of 6 sentences, day 2

In the spirit of yesterday's 6 sentences, I have decided to keep this up for 5 more days. totalling 6 days of 6 sentence stories. Maybe yesterday's won't count as a story as it didn't have a strict end. But for now, at least, it has an end, and i think that it is fine. It may well be extended at some point but for now it is done.  And yes some of them may be more prose or poetical, but as long as the have 6 sentences, everyone is happy. It's just a lovely excerise for me to work my writing brain steams.

So here is todays

A dusky blue sky as the hours ticked on. The tree looks black as branches expand over the window; it seems to merge with the garden below it. My thoughts drift momentarily to him, I wonder what he is doing, and if he was thinking about me. Such a change yet everything is calm. The TV is just noise, but I stare intently waiting for words to come. And then realise, everything is just beginning.

6 sentences

Something I wrote and thought I'd share, it is inspired my Chris Killen and his 6 sentences.

The sky was pink and blue candy striped, like a stick of rock. And it reminded me of a stick of rock that now sat in a box. I’d made it on one of my many day tips with Paul. We’d made it at the John Bull factory, a “K” carefully hidden inside, I say carefully, it was more careless and lack of experience when it came to making rock. The booze rock we bought on our Whitby holiday lay with it and I longed to be there so that I might taste it and be taken back to what it was like to be with him. And to be on that holiday, to smell the sea air as we waited to cross the bridge, and then go sit on the bar’s balcony at the bottom of the steps to the abbey. Whilst of course drinking wine and looking over the bay, me occasionally glancing at him being reminded how lucky I was.

new post

I am once again very sorry for my lack of postage. I have now moved again and LOVE LOVE LOVE loving the new place, and am hoping its an opportunity to leave all the crap behind me and really get into the idea and basics of my new job. I love my new job and love the people, they are indeed very lush. I plan on flying to the US of A next year in order to see a very good friend of mine as I have not seen her for far too long.

I is a lovely hot day here and i want to be outside with something of a very large glass on zinfandel but alas i have children to look after and i have to drive later so this is off the agenda for these very important reasons, both as equally important as the other reason.

I will probably have to indulge in a cider once the children have gone to bed.......a good cider not the white lightening often seen in the hands of chavs at the local park. its the new stuff made by stella which i am hoping will be very nice. i will of coure tell you if it was.

I have something of a long journey tomorrow, 5 hours in total to get back to my home town for easter. 3 hours on a direct train and the rest driving. but i am sure it will be worth it as i get to see my mum and the dog micky. not to mention the family. and i will be indulging in a bevvy or 2 tomorrow night with the girls, as it has also been too long since i have done this.  So i would hope it is going to a good one.

I will write to all you lovely people soon xxxxxx

confused

after a confusing month i'm now indeed more confused than i used to be. but the only thing i can think is that if something is meant to happen it will. and i'm back to thinking that everything happens for a reason. I just don't always understand the reason. It would be so much better if this thing was simple and if the answers were here now, i wouldn't have to go to sleep at night wondering what might be. But it's impossible and making the best of the situation is hard especially when you don't know what someone is thinking and feeling. The only thing i can think and keep thinking is what will be will be, and everyone has a life planned out for them. its just sometimes, at times, its hard to accept that the life that is planned for you might not be the life that you want at that moment in time. but the life that is planned for you is the one you are meant to have. and when you look back at what you wanted thats when you realise why it hasn't happened, you just have to power through to see if what you want is what you'll end up getting. which looking at that has confused me. in other words there is a reason for everything.
the way I look at it is,
you have a life planned for you
sometimes you want something different
its hard to accept it
when you don't get what you want but the life that's planned you realise that the thing you wanted wasn't that great after all.

still, i just have to power through this crappy situation.

new post

I understand that i am totally rubbish having not posted for a month, but here i am posting again. much has happened, i have now had two dates with Bambi, ( a name to be explained another time) and he is indeed one amazing chappy, not to mention a total hottie. and if he's reading this right now he'll now its true as i told him this last night. though it is a major suck fest i will now not see him till May. it makes me very sad in my face. So i'm now sat watching scrubs, missing him muchly, again if you do read this, you'll know i am actually crazy and do miss you.

Put a sock in it inner me

as i sit here, i am eating chocolate, even though i know i shouldn't be, infact, inner me is sat shouting at me, "STOP, STEP AWAY FROM THE CHOCOLATE, STOP I SAY" yet for some reason i am not listening to said inner voice. ah well.

on a similar note, they are re-releasing Orange Areos, could it get any better? The aeros of the orangeness are back in shops, and i will have to buy one of them, maybe more than one! I just have to find somewhere that sells them.

I realise this post has turned into more of a post about chocolate but hey hoe, thats just the way it goes.

Nel Jessopp

I'm dedicating this post to the amazing Miss Nel Jessopp, she is without a doubt the funniest person I have ever met in my whole life! Her blog is amazing and she herself is utterly amazing.

she's as amazing as icecream on a hot day, hot chocolate in winter and santa at xmas! seriously cannot tell you how wonderful she is!

   <----- amazing person --  follow her blog people

I potentially found a solution to my job problem, but i am begining to wonder if it is such a good idea, its a big risk but amazing money. And safty is an issue. but if the situation is desperate, is it worth the risk?

I just feel stuck in a rut with no way out of it.

I'm very stressed and not in a good way stressed. permanent shaking and raw nerves are not good.

Goodnight Sweetheart

i'm watching goodnight sweetheart, its making want to go live in WW2, or at least go and live in a different time, wouldn't it be so cool if we could time travel? where would  you guys live, and why?

could things get worse? ........they just did

New charger arrives and doesn't work, my phone is also now BROKEN, so i need to spend a great % of my au pair "pocket money" to get a temp phone! 
my life appears to be on epic FAIL

 epic epic epic fail!

 epic epic epic fail!

I do think someone up there is having a laugh at me, i kinda want to bang my head against a wall, or drink lots of whisky, i'm too poor to buy whisky, so........go figure.

I'm not even stressed in a good way, it blood pressure boiling, angry shaking, wanting to pull my own  face off stress, and to top it all, apparently most people are incapable of communicating via email when you are phoneless.

Holidays

hol·i·day

   /ˈhɒlɪˌdeɪ/ Show Spelled[hol-i-dey] Show IPA

–noun

1.

a day fixed by law or custom on which ordinary business is suspended in commemoration of some event or in honor of some person.

2.

any day of exemption from work ( distinguished from working day).

3.

a time or period of exemption from any requirement, duty, assessment, etc.: New businesses may be granted a one-year tax holiday.

4.

a religious feast day; holy day, especially any of several usually commemorative holy days observed in judaism.

5.

Sometimes, holidays. Chiefly British . a period of cessation from work or one of recreation; vacation.

6.

an unintentional gap left on a plated, coated, or painted surface.

–adjective

7.

of or pertaining to a festival; festive; joyous: a holiday mood.

8.

suitable for a holiday: holiday attire.

–verb (used without object)

9.

Chiefly British . to vacation: to holiday at the seaside.

 

I have posted the meaning of holiday in order to remind myself what one is, its years since i've had a holiday, and i miss them greatly. I would love to just go off and sun myself, preferably with the girls, Like Laura, Laura, Nel and Kerrie. and we could spend a week in the sun writing and making Danny, Ted, Noel and Patches jealous!