Thursday, 8 December 2011


looking at forgiveness. Everyone says, forgive and forget. i say i have forgiven the man for everything, and believe he is totally blameless in this. But what about the person who i feel has contributed to this problem more than anyone else? Would I be expected to forgive her? or would it be acceptable to say there is a good chance that, in a few years time, i still won't have stopped hating her? Hatred is a poisonous emotion, yet it is so hard to let go of. What hurts the most and fuels that anger and hatred,is that i knew the full extent of her destructive powers, and so did everyone else.I would never wish bad things, but I do not wish her well. I have done a great deal of things that I am by no means proud of, but never have i caused anyone the pain and anger she has.
I still love the man, heart body and soul, and to see him slip through my fingers doesn't make me hate him. i hate what he has done, but I shouldn't even hate that. no amount of wishing is ever going to bring him back, and no amount of hope is going to make any difference. I would still do anything for him. Everyone I have spoken to seems to think i should not be forgiving him, and i should blame him for everything, and shouldn't be so hung up on him still.
Wouldn't you still be hung up on someone whom you love so deeply?
When you break up, your whole identity is shattered. You are no longer alive. It’s hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does. People say moving on is simple, it’s what you leave behind that makes it so difficult. Maybe that is true but right now it is the moving on that's hard.

Wednesday, 7 December 2011


After promising to put up a picture of the man, I'm afraid I can't do that. You see he left me. The past 10 days has been the worst I have ever experienced, I lose my man, my stepson, my job and my home. All of this has really made me think. When he left me, my world fell apart and I feel like my heart has been ripped out and stamped on. When you love someone so much you don't even want your life to continue without them, is that something to be envious of? My now ex mother in law seems to believe so. The pain of loving someone so much you would sell your soul to spend your life with them.
I really don't know how to look at goodbyes
I've had to say goodbye more times than I've liked, but everyone can say that. And no matter how many times we do it, even when it's for the greater good, it still stings. And though we'll never forget what we've given up, we owe it to ourselves to keep moving forward. What we can't do is live our lives always afraid of the next goodbye, because chances are they're not going to stop. The trick is to recognise when a goodbye can be a good thing; when it's a chance to start again.
I realise I have to move on with my life, even though I'm terrified of letting myself love someone ever again. When the chance comes to be cared about again, I can't run away or I'll never really let myself heal.
Even though a part of me thinks that everything happens for a reason, and I know we still love each other, One has to wonder also, if the reason for this happening is to show me a better life.
Most people would blame their ex for the loss of the job and the home. I have every right to, him leaving me, made me ill, When i was off work sick I got told not to go back, I lived in with my job so lost my home too. But the strangest thing is, I don't blame him, I forgive him. You are 100%, completely forgiven, always. 
I may  be angry and hurt, and feel betrayed, used and lonely. So much of me wants to smack him in the face for being a complete moron and leaving me. There are times the anger wants to take me over and I want to scream at him, and tell him what a complete tosser he is.
There have been so many times people have confused me for his wife and called me his wife. And more times still when they confused me for his son's mother. I felt proud when that happens, and so much of me feels and thinks i deserve someone who would reciprocate that feeling about me being confused for their wife or the mother of their child. I don't know how he ever felt about those confusions. I'm not saying I wanted to marry him, but the fact that someone confused us for being more and seeing us as solid and settled meant so much to me. I didn't not want to marry him because i didn't love him, but i thought why spend thousands on a day to give us a piece of paper to legalise something we already knew?
Piecing things back together day by day is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I was told last night that 4 months is too long to not move on, admittedly its only been 10-12 days but i wonder now, how long is acceptable to be hurting and getting over him.
All this is supposed to be part of some greater plan, i wish i knew what that plan was.