back

Again it's been a few months since I last posted. I realise this makes me an epic fail. Well boys and girls, it's that time of year again. You'll remember I was telling you about the blokey. The one I was going to marry, the one who left me in the hospital to potentially die, the one who lied to me and used me? Well I think he has in fact gone for good. 7 weeks ago he left my house I haven't seen him since, I have barely hea\rd from him. Which is majorly heart killy. He told me he had no time for anyone, yet he's had time to move out of his parents, see his mates and get drunk a lot. The moving out sticks, he told me he wouldn't move out of his mum's, so it turns out it's me that's the issue. I kept tying to get him to move in with me, to no avail. Unfair - Yes I think so.
He reckons he'll come see my tomorrow (my birthday) but I know he won't/ It's bad enough I'll have to spend tomorrow alone, it hurts my face. Very sad face :(
I hate the fact Blokey has done so much damage to me. It hurts muchly. Some days I can't even get out of bed. He doesn't even seem to be very sorry about it. He's living the high life and being all social. He's destroyed my life to make his better. I feel used and I feel betrayed. I still love him.
The worst bit is, he was planning to marry me, and asked me to marry him and not two weeks ago he informs me "we're friends" and "we were only loosely dating"
I would have thought after 7 weeks I'd feel better, turns out no chance.
I wish I could have all this pain taken from me. He's indeed a big JERK!
I also want to move out of Rugby, for this place does me no good.

Meh

Making changes seem to be best thing for me right now. Falling in love is a game, a game I don’t want to play anymore. I sometimes think it would be easier to return to the days of having a husband for convenience and having brief love affairs for love and the fun. But alas this isn’t the 19^th or the 20^th century, though I wish it was.

It’s a shame in some ways that traditional values have been forgotten, I think the world be such a nicer place if people upheld traditional values.

Maybe a marriage of convenience is what should be had, at least then you can say you have it. And it saves you getting hurt when someone you love leaves you.

I think it’s been made crystal clear by blokey that we will never be together again. I feel used and betrayed, like I never mattered to him at all, but then again that should have been realised when he left me in hospital on my own with a heart rate of 140bpm. No-one who cares about someone leaves them to face something like that alone. But I still can’t rid myself of the pain he has caused. It always seems that I get hurt by people, so maybe I should stop caring about them and use them for all they are worth and treat people how they treat me, keep them at arm’s length and use them and take them for granted.

I’d love the nice house, the friends, the husband, the kids, but I don’t think it’s meant to happen for people like me. I don’t ever see myself getting out of this hole. And I hate it.

i'm back

I haven’t updated for a long long time, I’ve been very busy. My life has been a whirlwind of ups and downs over the past few months.

In March I met a lovely man. He promised me the world and I was convinced he was the one. Until two weeks ago when he abruptly ended everything, crushing my soul with it, truth is, despite his insistence that he loves me but just can’t be with me, it’s probably just a dream, given recent behaviour I’m not convinced by any of the promises as they’ve turned out to be nothing but rubbish. Here, my lovely readers is the deal, I got rushed into hospital, I was seriously ill, upon finding this out, blokey did nothing! Even in the week leading up to the admission he left me to fend for myself choosing someone else over me, someone it transpires probably has a lot more to do with this falling apart than first thought. At the start he made me so happy, we had so much in common and I was convinced he was the one. But not letting me over to his house, not adding me on facebook, not letting me meet his friends or family makes me suspicious, totally justified I think. For the first time in a long time I felt happy, but it was taken away from me just as quick. Even now, when we are supposed to be friends I feel like a dirty little secret, he stands me up, ignores me, and “forgets” to come over. Even when we make plans, the day of said plans, he’ll chose to do something else like go to the pub with friends, leaving me stood up! Harsh and uncalled for I think. So either Karma is a bitch, and I’ve done something seriously wrong, he’s a selfish spoiled child who doesn’t care about anyone but himself, or I’m being unreasonable. I’ve been tempted to read that book “he’s just not that in to you” maybe pointers will lie in there. I’m fed up with being a mug, and I’m realising now that people are just selfish by nature. I have also been told by him, that once he’s had time to get his head round stuff there is an 85% chance we’ll end up together, but I am forced to wonder if this is what he is like now, what would he be like if we got back together and could I cope with it? And is the “promise” of a relationship just something to keep me sweet? I wish I could understand him more and get past the lies and see why he treats me the way he does, because I sure as hell don’t deserve it.

I can say though, that any subsequent men I date will be asked “are you friends with your ex?”  If the answer is yes, they’ll be out straight away. Having a female ex as a friend causes issues in a relationship.

I know this whole thing has changed me; I’m becoming bitter and harsh. I’m almost judging every man the same.

I feel now, that the only future in store for me is a lonely one. Relationships happen to other people. I’m almost becoming cold and hateful and I really don’t like it. There are times at the moment I really don’t like blokey. I thought I deserved better than being some rebound from some poisonous child he went out with for 5 years, who blatantly didn’t deserve him. It seems the nicer I’ve been to him the worse he’s treated me, and the worse ex’s have treated him, he’s not been able to do enough for them. It’s ridiculous and I’m once again left wondering what it is I’ve done so wrong and what I’ve done to deserve this bad treatment. But apparently if I was bad to him, arguments would be caused. I’m starting to wonder if the promising me the world at the start was some horrible game he was playing. He literally told me everything I have ever wanted to hear my whole life. Maybe it was too good t be true and maybe I should have realised it. Sorry to rant dear readers but this needed to be said. It makes me so sad and causes so much pain, I just wish he could realise the hurt he has caused. But if he did would he care? Maybe it’s time for me to up sticks again, and have a change of scenery?

Smokey Weekend

I am currently preparing for a weekend in the big smoke :D
i love London, there is a great sense of belonging there for me, I love sense of hiding, being anyone you want to be, the romanticism. Theatre Land, stories of murder and history and fairy tales. Wondering who has walked there before me years ago. The grubby east end and the sparkly west end both as deeply filled with controversy and secrets.
A trip to Covent Garden and followed by Lindy Hop later on. All makes for a great time. just a shame I'll miss the man.

Revelations

hello boys and girls, I hope this post finds you all well. Well, today has certainly been interesting. i have had a number of revelations, first of all, people do change. Let me explain, not everyone changes, but people grow and become new people. i myself, have done that. Looking at some friends today, I beame annoyed by their solutions to problems and their attitudes, the sad thing is, i used to be just like them and I'm begining to wonder how we have remained friends. Certainly if we met now, no way would we even get on, let alone be friends. it is a sad day when you realise that, and I can't help but wonder what it was that made me change and why have altered as much as i have.Maybe it;s the people i've met who have been a good influence on me. But I know this is a good thing, its just a shame other people can't move with the times.
Secondly, i have been putting my trust and faith in the wrong people. Trusting someone when I shouldn't has left me feeling really stupid, as in hindsight I realise it has been going on all along but i was too blind to see it. Telling more lies to cover up the first lies and it does make one wonder why people feel the need to lie. Is our friendship not worth the truth? but it has made me realise more than ever that i have been mislaying my trust and now i have to try make ammends for that. and the person who has broken my trust will have to be kept at arms length and i just have to bare in mind always that they aren't the person i thought they were. But all of this is a learning curve and one that I am happy to undertake. Wish me luck people xx

The cursed blog

I have come to the conclusion that this blog is cursed! Why? I hear you all ask, well it's this simple. ...... i mentioned tonight that I have a yummy new man in my life, however since this post went live things have been a bit odd, so either he's seen the post and freaked out, or this blog is cursed and I should just stop talking about people on it. I'm going with the latter. I don't like disagreeing with people or having misunderstandings, because they suck. and they make me all sad inside.
I know I'm crazy and I know I'm not perfect, I'm a lot of things infact. Some of those things are bad things, like my over analysing everything, paranoid and to a large extent untrusting. But I know I have my good side, in care about people, I don't like to see people I care about in pain, and when I've done something wrong, tell me, so it can be put right.
Sitting here now, the world seems to be moving at a different pace to me, I can't keep up with it and I'm struggling to find a voice to write in, and struggling to find the words to write and moreso find the words that will make this evening right. and make better what's gone so wrong.
There really are two sides to every story. and more parts to those two sides. My side part one, I'm an idiot, I shouldn't ove analyse and I should fight to make this right, but don't know how. Part two, I'm an idiot for opening up and believing in what was before me. And I should have fought the feelings from the start.  Which do you think is right?
Feeling this dejected is never a good thing, especially when you don't know what you can do to sort it out and make it right without coming off as a complete nutter. Do I stay in the faith that everything will work out in the end? Or that everything happens for a reason? I wish I had the answer, cos I sure as hell hate feeling like this. And I just wish, sometimes I had the ability to hide the crazy, and be calmer.
MOOD - LOST

Writing bug

I have the writing bug, so be prepared for many more bloglike updates. I also have much to share with my lovely readers. I must now introduce you to the new man in my life. Who is the only straight man I've met who knows more about musical theatre than I do. Though I did out do him on the first date. I actually do mean this time if I get 10 comments I will name and shame the man, and do a shameless plug for his sell out muscial........yes he's a writer and musician with his own musical. Which I might add was a sell out. :) see, the shamelss plugs have already started. And without him asking........how good am i? ;)

I must say the past few days have been very interesting. Thus having the bug of writing and the need to get these ideas out of my head. So please stand by for many updates, which, I think will be a refreshing change from my usual rubbishness when it comes to updating. So watch this space my lovely readers.

two months on

Today marks the two month anniversary of me being dumped. Whoever said it'd be better by now was talking utter bollocks. I still feel low and betrayed.. None of this is helped by sucky friends. I asked 2 people for help yesterday, I've never asked either of them before but I'm expected to dust them off when their shit goes arse up. Guess what. They both said NO to me. so they've made the "cut tossers out my life" list. Yet one person who has never asked me for anything helped me. The lovely Miss Laura Cox came to my aid and we had therapeutic texts. For that I am very grateful. So thank-you.
One thing I have discovered this week also, is what utter liars people are. My so called friend is apparently spinning me a line. It would be nice if they grew a pair and admitted they'd been telling me naughty fibs. I deserve the truth.We promised to always tell each other the truth about everything. Now it seems I'm not worth something I was once promised. I'm deeply hurt that they can't be honest with me. Deeply hurt. It would be nice for them to feel like our friendship meant enough to be honest. I'm not stupid, I know, I just need to hear it come out your mouth.
If it was me lying to you, you'd be hurt, and you'd wonder why i couldn't come to you and tell you the truth.

two months on, and I'm in this rut, maybe its time now, to stop being everyone else's doormat and start being who I want to be, starting with the truth from people and carry on cutting the tossers out.

New Year

After a month of pain I know now I must move on with my life, and make this better in some way. The pain can only heal if move on with my life and let time heal me. The hardest thing I've ever had to do is move on from him and accept the fact that we are not together. I feel like I'm made of china right now and I'm speeding toward a brick wall. And we all know what happens when china hits a brick wall.
If i could wave a magic wand and take my pain away I would.
I used to believe that karma was real, and that when you died you moved on and you get what you give out, ghosts were real, and that there was more to this world than what we see, but the past months events and how increasingly bad it is becoming I have realised that no way on earth is an of that true. I tried to pull myself together, but then on Wed 21st Dec I was thrown straight back thanks to the actions of an inconsiderate jerk, and his total disregard for my feelings and morality. (Not the man, this was a random strange man and his actions are too painful to put on here)
So it must be true that what i believed is rubbish or I would have been saved from that pain and that experience.
Maybe it is time to go blonde?

P.S MISS LAURA COX, YOU ARE ONE AMAZING LADY, I WILL REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGE NOW I'M ONLINE PROPERLY NOW. THANK-YOU MY LOVELY LADY XXXXXX