Thursday, 5 July 2012


Making changes seem to be best thing for me right now. Falling in love is a game, a game I don’t want to play anymore. I sometimes think it would be easier to return to the days of having a husband for convenience and having brief love affairs for love and the fun. But alas this isn’t the 19th or the 20th century, though I wish it was.
It’s a shame in some ways that traditional values have been forgotten, I think the world be such a nicer place if people upheld traditional values.
Maybe a marriage of convenience is what should be had, at least then you can say you have it. And it saves you getting hurt when someone you love leaves you.
I think it’s been made crystal clear by blokey that we will never be together again. I feel used and betrayed, like I never mattered to him at all, but then again that should have been realised when he left me in hospital on my own with a heart rate of 140bpm. No-one who cares about someone leaves them to face something like that alone. But I still can’t rid myself of the pain he has caused. It always seems that I get hurt by people, so maybe I should stop caring about them and use them for all they are worth and treat people how they treat me, keep them at arm’s length and use them and take them for granted.
I’d love the nice house, the friends, the husband, the kids, but I don’t think it’s meant to happen for people like me. I don’t ever see myself getting out of this hole. And I hate it.

i'm back

I haven’t updated for a long long time, I’ve been very busy. My life has been a whirlwind of ups and downs over the past few months.
In March I met a lovely man. He promised me the world and I was convinced he was the one. Until two weeks ago when he abruptly ended everything, crushing my soul with it, truth is, despite his insistence that he loves me but just can’t be with me, it’s probably just a dream, given recent behaviour I’m not convinced by any of the promises as they’ve turned out to be nothing but rubbish. Here, my lovely readers is the deal, I got rushed into hospital, I was seriously ill, upon finding this out, blokey did nothing! Even in the week leading up to the admission he left me to fend for myself choosing someone else over me, someone it transpires probably has a lot more to do with this falling apart than first thought. At the start he made me so happy, we had so much in common and I was convinced he was the one. But not letting me over to his house, not adding me on facebook, not letting me meet his friends or family makes me suspicious, totally justified I think. For the first time in a long time I felt happy, but it was taken away from me just as quick. Even now, when we are supposed to be friends I feel like a dirty little secret, he stands me up, ignores me, and “forgets” to come over. Even when we make plans, the day of said plans, he’ll chose to do something else like go to the pub with friends, leaving me stood up! Harsh and uncalled for I think. So either Karma is a bitch, and I’ve done something seriously wrong, he’s a selfish spoiled child who doesn’t care about anyone but himself, or I’m being unreasonable. I’ve been tempted to read that book “he’s just not that in to you” maybe pointers will lie in there. I’m fed up with being a mug, and I’m realising now that people are just selfish by nature. I have also been told by him, that once he’s had time to get his head round stuff there is an 85% chance we’ll end up together, but I am forced to wonder if this is what he is like now, what would he be like if we got back together and could I cope with it? And is the “promise” of a relationship just something to keep me sweet? I wish I could understand him more and get past the lies and see why he treats me the way he does, because I sure as hell don’t deserve it.
I can say though, that any subsequent men I date will be asked “are you friends with your ex?”  If the answer is yes, they’ll be out straight away. Having a female ex as a friend causes issues in a relationship.
I know this whole thing has changed me; I’m becoming bitter and harsh. I’m almost judging every man the same.
I feel now, that the only future in store for me is a lonely one. Relationships happen to other people. I’m almost becoming cold and hateful and I really don’t like it. There are times at the moment I really don’t like blokey. I thought I deserved better than being some rebound from some poisonous child he went out with for 5 years, who blatantly didn’t deserve him. It seems the nicer I’ve been to him the worse he’s treated me, and the worse ex’s have treated him, he’s not been able to do enough for them. It’s ridiculous and I’m once again left wondering what it is I’ve done so wrong and what I’ve done to deserve this bad treatment. But apparently if I was bad to him, arguments would be caused. I’m starting to wonder if the promising me the world at the start was some horrible game he was playing. He literally told me everything I have ever wanted to hear my whole life. Maybe it was too good t be true and maybe I should have realised it. Sorry to rant dear readers but this needed to be said. It makes me so sad and causes so much pain, I just wish he could realise the hurt he has caused. But if he did would he care? Maybe it’s time for me to up sticks again, and have a change of scenery?