Making changes seem to be best thing for me right now. Falling in love is a game, a game I don’t want to play anymore. I sometimes think it would be easier to return to the days of having a husband for convenience and having brief love affairs for love and the fun. But alas this isn’t the 19th or the 20th century, though I wish it was.
It’s a shame in some ways that traditional values have been forgotten, I think the world be such a nicer place if people upheld traditional values.
Maybe a marriage of convenience is what should be had, at least then you can say you have it. And it saves you getting hurt when someone you love leaves you.
I think it’s been made crystal clear by blokey that we will never be together again. I feel used and betrayed, like I never mattered to him at all, but then again that should have been realised when he left me in hospital on my own with a heart rate of 140bpm. No-one who cares about someone leaves them to face something like that alone. But I still can’t rid myself of the pain he has caused. It always seems that I get hurt by people, so maybe I should stop caring about them and use them for all they are worth and treat people how they treat me, keep them at arm’s length and use them and take them for granted.
I’d love the nice house, the friends, the husband, the kids, but I don’t think it’s meant to happen for people like me. I don’t ever see myself getting out of this hole. And I hate it.